A recipe for pizza

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Aug. 4th, 2011 | 11:29 pm

1. Mix up some yeast with warm water and sugar, leave it for ten or fifteen minutes.

2. Sieve some white flour into a bowl. Add a pinch of salt, a little sugar, the yeast and water and mix for a while into a soft dough.

3. Knead the dough for a while in a small kitchen on a wooden board because there are no other good surfaces, increasingly bothered by the lack of space.

4. When the initial kneading has nearly been finished, knock the board off the counter and dump the dough on the floor.

5. Shout "FUCK".

6. Grab the dough and try to wash the crap from the flour off it, while shouting "FUCK". The crap from the floor will not come off - this is to be expected.

7. Gradually realise that this is a waste of time as the dough is just getting wetter and is just as dirty. Think briefly about physically removing the dirty parts of the dough before realising that that, too, would be a waste of time. You may wish to shout "FUCK" throughout this stage.

8. Throw dough in bin. Damage lid of bin. Kick bin, damaging it more. Shout "FUCK FUCK FUCKING KITCHEN FOR FUCK'S SAKE TOO FUCKING SMALL CAN'T I DO ANYTHING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE".

9. Pour a drink.

10. Pour another drink.

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Comments {12}

fridgemagnet

Additional steps

from: fridgemagnet
date: Aug. 4th, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
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11. Try to cook something else.

12. Fuck that up too.

Edited at 2011-08-04 10:59 pm (UTC)

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get privacy for $5 via aussieintn

Re: Additional steps

from: aussieintn
date: Aug. 5th, 2011 03:16 am (UTC)
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I don't want to contradict you, but that is not how to make pizza.

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Pallas

(no subject)

from: pallasathene8
date: Aug. 5th, 2011 02:39 am (UTC)
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As inspiring as this was, I've just ordered Papa John's.

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gair

(no subject)

from: gair
date: Aug. 5th, 2011 10:48 am (UTC)
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I made a pasta dish along very similar lines the other week! Step 8 involved punching the wall and shouting I AM FUCKING USELESS AND SHIT, however. I believe it added a welcome, if slightly bitter, spiciness to the flavour of the final dish.

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soho_iced

(no subject)

from: soho_iced
date: Aug. 5th, 2011 12:08 pm (UTC)
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What you need is some cats (I can recommend ours). Then your kitchen floor will be pretty clean at all times because otherwise you keep stepping in cat vomit.

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mother of the angry mob

(no subject)

from: pennyland
date: Aug. 10th, 2011 11:27 pm (UTC)
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I realize this is an extremely late reply, but I just found/got the best 'pretend it's an island' stand. You need a stainless steel table that has both wheels and 'dead-stoppers' on those wheels. it makes and excellent bread station, and can be moved.

If your dough ever falls on the floor, consider it fucked.

It is.

all the wishing and picking in the world won't fix it. It's fucked.

Make some new :)

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mother of the angry mob

(no subject)

from: pennyland
date: Aug. 10th, 2011 11:28 pm (UTC)
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and drink way more than you think you have to.

it'll knock anything right out of the bothersome area of your head :)

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Work-surfaces for pastry

from: olddevonbadger
date: Aug. 12th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC)
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Stainless steel trollies are no good, with or without brakes on the wheels. Steel may be a reasonable conductor, but a thin sheet has a low thermal mass and heats up too soon.

You want granite . . . acres of it, with all the right implements on hooks on a rail.

If you come down to the sea-side you can do ALL the cooking and have the entire kitchen to yourself.

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mother of the angry mob

Re: Work-surfaces for pastry

from: pennyland
date: Aug. 12th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
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He could put a marble removable top on it though!
I'm referring to the 'good/industrial' type of s.s.trolley, those cheap ones are shite.

They really Don't Move when you're making dough on them, and I find small clamps keep the stone surface pretty stable. Put one of those odd 'non-slip' mats under it.

Very own cook island, that stows under the table! :)


"Hey Fridge! You should go to the sea side!" :D

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The Princess of Id

(no subject)

from: danaseilhan
date: Sep. 21st, 2011 06:42 am (UTC)
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Reminds me of my ex-husband. He went to make pizza one day and found mold in the jar of pizza sauce. That accounted for at least one of the holes he punched in the kitchen wall. By the time I left him, I think there were two or three there.

Mind, I'm not saying you would punch holes in the kitchen wall. Though I bet it's crossed your mind a time or two. And the holes weren't why I left.

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fridgemagnet

(no subject)

from: fridgemagnet
date: Sep. 21st, 2011 01:06 pm (UTC)
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I have punched the wall once I think, but it's an old 30s block where even the interior walls are brick, thus it hurt a lot. Damn that old-fashioned non-flimsy construction!

Fortunately, the kitchen's not big enough that I could have taken a proper swing at it anyway, so I didn't break anything.

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The Princess of Id

(no subject)

from: danaseilhan
date: Sep. 21st, 2011 03:24 pm (UTC)
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Brick wall OW. I'm sorry. :(

You could always take an ax to the fucking kitchen. Though I suppose your landlord wouldn't be too impressed.

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