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local characters again

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Dec. 3rd, 2008 | 08:33 pm
location: at home now
mood: aggravatedaggravated

I think I wrote before about being assailed by a drunk bloke outside my local complaining about things like having child porn popups appear in his granny porn and generally annoying the piss out of me. Well, this evening, I went out to do some shopping and popped in for a pint, sitting outside with a fag and doing a bit of brainstorming in my project notebook.

I'd been there for a little bit before one of the regulars - nice chap, don't know him that well but I see him around there a lot - came out, followed by somebody else, who was getting louder and louder. "Why won't you talk to me?" "Well, I don't know you." "Course you fucking know me blah blah why aren't you talking to me I'll smash your fucking face in" and the guy pushes him on the shoulder.

Well, I'm right next to them so I stand up and say "oi, stop it". The pusher's back was to me but lo and behold, eh, it's the same guy as before. Regular goes back inside once his attention is distracted, and I say "hold on I've seen you around haven't I?"

Drunk is of course completely steaming and entirely forgets about Regular, yet is not hostile to me, even if I say things like "you can't push him like that, there's nothing wrong with him, he doesn't have to talk to people if he doesn't want to". He's got some aggressive body language to begin with but I find if you don't respond either way - don't aggress back but don't retreat - people who don't know what they're doing anyway and are acting almost at random don't get the cues their pissed brain needs to know what to do next.

So then I'm treated to another rambling conversation about any old shit and "respect". For some reason he thinks I'm a copper. I tell him I'm not, but he doesn't believe me, though this is not entirely a bad thing for him to think in the circumstance since he claims to have been a cop in Sicily. (Also there are quite a few cops a bit down the road; somebody was hit by a bus near the station earlier.) Topics include how the police in England are just soft, how the police in England shoot people in tube stations, how he had four guns, how the Italian police would beat you up if they arrested you, I think something about how he'd stick a finger up someone's arse but only if it was necessary.

I'm trying to work out how I can get out of this - there's nobody else around, and while there's CCTV out there it probably looks like I know the guy - and one of the blokes who ask for change up and down the road comes along and asks if we have any. Immediately this sparks off a response. "No, I'm not giving you anything, I've seen you before round here. Why don't you suck my cock, eh?" (and he actually unbuttons his fly at this point, though thankfully does button it up again).

"No sir, that would be wrong." I try to hint to Change Guy that he should probably go now but he's still there asking for change. Drunk: "Do you want a fight? Come on, come out here, punch me and I'll fucking punch you back." I say to Change Guy "I really think that you should get going, nobody has any spare change and it's best you move on eh" and that plus the offer of a fight results in him going.

And Drunk is still there and, amazingly, asks me if he did anything wrong handling that. I'm a bit lost for words. "Uh, well, you were... aggressive. You asked him to suck your cock, that's, you know, er, aggressive isn't it?" (Context is everything with requests for fellatio as we all know.) He laughs, ho ho, then forgets about it all again and starts rambling on once more. Your government is shit, the American government is shit, starting a war in Iraq, what's that shit, Berlusconi is all right, he's a crook but he's all right.

Then he starts to get sentimental and talk about his mother. No, really. How she'd tell him that he was only on earth for a short time and he should spend that time making people as happy as possible, and how he says the same to his son (I think). I wholeheartedly agree with this as a principle. And there are shakings of hands. And I finally finish my pint which I've been drinking at every opportunity and that is an excuse for me to depart.

He may well still be there causing trouble for all I know but who am I, Batman?

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Comments {7}

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The Princess of Id

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from: danaseilhan
date: Dec. 3rd, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)


One of many reasons I don't hang out at pubs...

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from: pallasathene8
date: Dec. 3rd, 2008 11:15 pm (UTC)

I'd be afraid to ever leave my house again. :P

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from: anonymous
date: Dec. 4th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)

Try making some totally off the wall comment like: "I find kangaroos are rather difficult animals" or "My aunt knits but I don't think that's the real reason I don't like her" etc etc. They then think that you are as confused as they are, and there's no fun in that!

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from: muppethex
date: Dec. 4th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC)

I think I would have bought change guy a drink at that point.

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Diary of an Ass Monkey

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from: assmonkeydiary
date: Dec. 4th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)

I like the idea of you as a kind of low-key Batman that prevents minor crimes through conflict resolution rather than appearing out of nowhere and beating people up.

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from: soho_iced
date: Dec. 8th, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)

Wow - remind me not to come to your local. (I laughed though.)

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